Wednesday, June 13, 2012

One or the other

Now I'm not saying this is my story (and you can't prove that it is), nor am I saying it even happened at all (on advice from my nervous legal team), except that it did.  Not.  Don't be so nosy!  Anywho...

A long time ago, on a campus far far away...

OMG!  It was exactly like this.
Except that it wasn't.
There was -might have been- a guy with an on-again off-again girlfriend.  But when he wasn't on her, they were off.  -Off kilter, off base, off key, and off-ten at war.  Some couples are at their best when the lights are off and at few other times.  Why did they stick so long?  Probably because he was her first one, and there's always something special about that.

Then there was the other one.  She was a reporter who came to the club he worked at to do a story on the flavor-of-the-week band that was performing there one night.  In the hours between her interview slot with flash-in-the-pan and their set on the stage she chatted up the male staff a little too much to be just passing the time.  She wasn't just researching a piece, she was looking for one.  And so was he.  This was going to be easy.

First One, on the other hand, was a handful.  There's a lot to enjoy with taking a girl and 'making her a woman', but it takes patience too.  Sometimes it's slow going, frustratingly slow.  Get it?  Well, maybe you'll get it tomorrow -it depends on her.  Now you get it.  It's a little like teaching somebody tennis.  There's fun and laughs, false starts and a couple of good volleys here and there -as long as you don't hit too hard or test her backhand.  It's a good time, but you can't really call it a good game.

The great thing about sluts is not only are they good to go, they're good when it gets going.  Ever play tennis (or anything, really) with somebody at the same level you are?  That's a good game. But Other One didn't just have game.  She didn't just play offense and defense (they call that both ways), she played offense, defense and special teams.  That's three different things.  Three.  A real triple-threat in a trifecta kind of way.  I'm not saying she was the village tricycle, or that she bit him with her tricuspids, but she did hold up her end of the triangle.  Maybe I should stop with these metawhors before this post needs triage -Sorry!  Sometimes I get a little anal about squeezing out every last drop from a thing.  Anywho...

But sexy time only lasts so long.  When it was over First One could not only hold a conversation, she was funny.  When they weren't arguing, they were laughing.  She was smart.  She got jokes.  She made jokes. She made food.  She made sense.  They went places and did things and bought stuff.  It was nice.  In between fights.

Other One wasn't very bright.  She believed she was a witch.  Seriously, she had a crystal ball and everything.  When she came across his secret pot garden he just told her they were rhododendrons and she believed him.  She even offered to put a 'growing spell' on them so they'd stay healthy.  He smiled and said 'yeah, sure. Knock yourself out.'  They didn't talk much, but they didn't fight either.  It was kind of like going to a good movie.  The lights go down ...among other things, and the experience is everything you'd hoped -you're glad you came.  But when the show's over and the lights come on again -well, it's time people just went home.

But in the end (or so I've heard -how should I know?), neither one was truly right for him and to be fair, he wasn't right for either of them.  "I used her and she used me and neither one cared." are lyrics that quite a lot of people can relate to, and I guess those three -whoever they are, if they even exist at all- fit the bill.  And that's the (unprovable, almost certainly made-up) tale of First One and the Other One.

[Now aren't you sorry you read it?  I'm sorry I wrote it, or I will be when I get home.  We both have WWFC to blame; them and their nefarious, yes nefarious, 30 days of over-sharing]


  1. Boy life can be tough for some of us, eh? It certain;y was for you, erm, ah, him as he searched for the right one. Poor guy.

  2. Maybe Nicky will give you extra points for the danger you face when you get home.

  3. "Sometimes I get a little anal about squeezing out every last drop from a thing."

    In the paragraph this was in and in the context, this is downright freakin' hilarious. Well done.

    Highly creative way of writing this and great work with the theme. Excellent work!

  4. I believe this story could fit many a man's experience of the other one ;)

  5. I'm glad you didn't end up with the first one or the other one. Dude, you had the brains to wait and find "the right one". This was very funny in a Penthouse Forum fashion. (Naw. It was actually too well written and poetic for that forum.)

  6. Nona Medufus,
    I never heard any more about any of them -if there ever were any of them.

    I do believe you're right! And I think you should tell her. -Nicky, not my wife.

    I'm not sure what you mean, but, er, thanks? *innocent smile*

    Beetle Bailey,
    so you do see how this could be anyone's story, right? Not mine, as some cynical people around here seem to be alleging.

    thanks, but Legal has asked me to reiterate, THIS IS NOT MY STORY. thank you for your attention.

  7. Uh huh. Sure. Bonus points. I'll give you 250 of 'em. I'll throw in another 250 if you post the video of your wife whoopin' your ass after she reads it. :-)

  8. Ahhh. So this is a whore-friendly blogsite.

    How come I am NOT surprised.

    heh heh


  9. Nicky the Quicky (to judgement)
    you can see us square off on the next UFC pay-per-view. Our match just got bumped up to the main card.

    No, not so. This site is story not whorey -friendly. That's my whorey and I'm stickin' to her.

  10. Mrs NAG here.....this was very cleverly written...and the comments are hysterical. Thanks for the smile babe..and others!

  11. Good tale, and one many of us can relate to (in our past, of course and damn it.)