Friday, June 22, 2012

Live each each day like it COULD be your last

This may sound similar to, but is very different from the annoyingly often quoted "Live every day as IF it's your last".

The second, though wildly popular, is ridiculously dangerous.  There are a great many things one would do if one could know with godlike certainty that it was one's last day.  Barreling through your bucket list, especially on the last day, could bring huge amounts of satisfaction and personal triumph.  With years of pent-up frustration and unfulfilled yearnings suddenly unchained from their rational inhibitions, you would unlease yourself upon the earth like a methed-out viking Ferris Bueller at a virgins-only nunnery.

You might be only too willing to do things like

Emptying your bank account and
-hiring a private jet to Vegas.
-hiring Lindsey Lohan to be the stewardess
-putting it all on 7 Red for one spin

Going to to Texas to throw
-your shoes
at George Bush

Admitting to your spouse
-you have been faking it since '92
-it was you who got the babysitter pregnant
-you were more than just gay 'curious' in college

Approaching your boss
-with a profanity laced resignation letter
-a chainsaw
-a graphic video of you and their spouse

Admitting to your neighbor's wife
-her Fluffy didn't really run away
-you love her.  You've always loved her.  And only her.  And must have her now.
-it wasn't silk-addicted crows who took her thongs from the clothes line

What a rush of last-day satisfaction!  Once the adreneline fades, you can smile in final victory, lay back on the rumpled bed in the Rasputin room of your local russian mob controlled brothel and cozy into death's sweet embrace as it takes you like a deep sleep.  Perfect.  End.

Unless you wake up in the morning.  And realize it wasn't really your last day!  Now what?!

You already ran out of money at the Eurasian brothel down the block hours ago, and Irina is threatening to call Boris and Vlad in if you don't come up with the $1200 for 'the Czar and the 3 milkmaids' game you insisted on playing twice last night.

Even if you can make it out the window, outrun the rots and duck the AK-47 fire, you still have
-a price on your head (in rubbles)
-not a dime left to your name
-no job or references
-a furious soon-to-be-ex-spouse
-a murderous neighbor
-a litigious neighbor's wife
-an angry local PETA chapter
-warrents for your arrest (local and TX)
& worst/inescapable of all
-Lohan cooties (incurable as of this writing)

I think you'll agree, while it's great to live life to its fullest, it's not worth living like it's your last day unless you're really, reallyreallyreally sure it is.

As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles.  He sees all; disappoint Him not.

This is a reprint of a post first run January 26, 2011.  I reran it today because not only is it a perfect fit for today's 30 days challenge, but it's sunny and I have the day off along with my wife.  So I'm not wasting any time with anything other than sun, sangria, and se- none of yer damn business.


  1. If only EVERYTHING was certain in life... if only...x

  2. There is one certain in life and that is we're not getting out of it alive. But the when is not for us to know. I agree with living life to the fullest, but not foolishly.

  3. Sooooo you're saying you LIKE Lindsay Lohan?


    I'm having serious second thoughts about you Mr. Wannabe.



    We can't all be perfect, ya know?


  4. Never trust anything, I say. Especially if it was a media report ;)

  5. Yeah, always best to check your expiration date before you do anything too rash. Or do anything that might lead to one.

  6. I really really like the way you think. (Are you my son and got switched at the hospital?)

  7. You are HYSTERICAL! Can I have Johnny Depp for the pilot?

  8. Methinks if you did all of that on your "last" day and the sun came up the next day -- your last day would come quick enough! :D

  9. Wait, this looks suspiciously like a quiz. Is there a right answer? Are those multiple choice questions? Should I have been taking notes? Damn.

  10. A big day for me is going to the library. What a post! Loved it! I'll meet you down in Crawford with a U-Haul filled with shoes.