Thursday, June 21, 2012

Favors I'd ask of the Dark One


I said I wanted a CHOCOLATE smoothie,
this is clearly VANILLA!

Owing to yesterday's Star Wars theme in Solo going solo (read it, it's hilarious) putting those characters in mind, they stayed with me through today's 30 days prompt 'Favors I'd ask of Satan'. At first I thought I'd request a job, something in management;  I was born for command, have the temperament in spades and this selective plague idea I'd love a chance to try... but then I realized I'd have to live there and ...nah.

So instead I'd ask for Vader's telekinesis powers.  And I'd use them everywhere; home, work, the bus on the way to work, walking on the street, at the mall, in the movie theater, in the parking lot after the movie, on the road on the way home from the movie...

In case you're from a 4th world country (or planet) so far behind the times that it's not even 1977 there yet and are not familiar with Darth Vader's awesome power I will catch you up.  He has a kind of enhanced telekinesis which he uses liberally in battle to fling people and large objects around like rag dolls.  He also has precise control in that he can gesture a pinching motion with his hand at somebody and strangle them from a distance. 

Clearly he used it for evil, whereas I'd only use it for good.  What use is a power if it only lands you in hell once you're done?

So of course I wouldn't go around strangling people left and right, but I'm not above squeezing a few bladders and bowels to teach somebody a lesson here and there.  Cut me off in line at the market?  That's a little pee-pee.  Cut me off on the highway?  That's a little pooh-pooh.  See, that's education -a good thing- through negative reinforcement.

Talking on a cell phone in the movies?  That phone's going to fall right out of your hands and lad in that sticky dried soda sugar-glue they have on the floor there every three feet.  You won't be able to pick it up either.  While you're bend over trying, somebody's soda will inexplicably fall out of it's cup holder three rows from you but still somehow land right on your head.  Don't start cursing either -that's a choking offense.
Clearly this counts as a public service on my part -another good thing.

I'd be gentle with it at home and certainly wouldn't harm the missus.  Physically.
I would flip that channel to a "you have not purchased this channel.  Please contact your provider to purchase." channel every time -every time mind you- she tries to put on one of those romance reality shows.  Repeated frustration will eventually lead her to abandon them.  This is how we learn.

As she walks away I might just do a little flick and pop that bra hook off.  And when it hits the ground -well that's like dropping the flag at the Indy 500. -Love and education; good things both!

If my adorable little angel is trying to kick a goal at soccer I would bend it like Beckham (David, not Victoria) and send it bouncing into the net.  Off the goalie's head.  I don't like that kid, she bothers me.  There might be a some unexpected pee-pee in her future too.

It's possible my definition of good might be a little different from yours. 

8 comments:

  1. Ha ha ha! That sounded good to me. That's a little pooh-pooh. That's a little pee-pee. I love that :)

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  2. Oh my notyou! That was WONDERFUL! Vader's power is a great idea and I love your "subtle" ways to use it!

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  3. hehehehe... I like the way you think!

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  4. You change her channel AND pop her bra off and you think you'll get rewarded with some lovin'? Hah! I don't think even Satan could work that kind of magic.

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  5. Dude, touch the remote and you may have some poo poo pee pee issues yourself.

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  6. Now this is a power worth having! Could I use it on myself so that everything tasted like onions? Could I use it on the kids so that everything I didn't want them to eat tasted like broccoli? Maybe I don't understand how real power works.

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  7. Babs,
    that's only because it never happened to you!

    Laugher,
    I do try, I really do

    Lifer,
    thank you my dear!

    Nicky,
    It's not a 'reward', it called 'happenstance' -very carefully engineered happenstance

    Angie,
    uh, that's not how telekinesis works. You're thinking of Jedi mind tricks. That's an even greater power -I wish I had that one even more.

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  8. My husband tried to use the force on me this morning to get himself a little something, something....

    He has not learned that my force is stronger.

    He'll be painting the bedroom while I'm at brunch today. :)

    Here from "where's the funny"... I think I'll stick around.

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