Saturday, June 9, 2012

Magic carpets and other nonsense

There are no magic carpets of course, or fairie godmothers, magic wands, or genies in bottles.  But for the sake of the eclectic 30 days of writing, let's pretend there are.  

The closest we'll ever get
 to a genie in a bottle.
Having a magic carpet might sound like a great thing.  You could, you know, fly everywhere and escape Jafar and maybe nail the voluptuous princess Jasmine, right?  Wrong.  An actual magic carpet would be too impractical to use.  There's no seats, no restraints to keep you from falling to your death on a bumpy ride, no roof or windscreen to keep the elements off you in weather, no heater or AC to keep you comfortable.

And what normal woman would let you pick her up on one?  The actual experience of riding it has got to be similar to riding on top of a train.  Off it's rails.  The only way to stay on would be to go pretty slow and relatively straight.  The first time people saw you they'd marvel how cool it was.  After that the novelty would wear off and the mocking would begin.  "You could walk faster, ya know!"

If you thought the grey-haired AARPer looks ridiculous in a porsche, imagine my 46 year old ass cruising at six or seven mph, hoping birds don't crap on my new suit.

So what have I really got?  An exotic but impractical limited-use novelty item.  Fortunately I also have an imagination and entrepreneurial streak as wide as my under-water mortgage.

This is what I'd do.  I'd cut that mofo up into hundreds of shoe-insert sized pieces and begin the bidding at ten grand apiece.  Screw Dr Shoal's, I'd have Dr Rocket's!  Then I'd sit back and watch the feeding frenzy of professional athletes, rap stars, military and CIA procurement agents make me the richest mofo since, well, Aladdin.

Then, if I wanted (and I'm not saying I do, but...) I could afford a wall to wall carpet made entirely of girls named Jasmine.  Now that would be a magical ride.


  1. You brought me down to earth with a bump there. I fell straight off my (non existent) magic carpet and landed in a pool of disappointment. :)

  2. That's all? Sure you could afford more then that... after all that! :D

  3. Yasmin is my granddaughter. She's Persian and 15. She would not ever be part of anyone's girl rug. I have her on FB. She's gorgeous. Arianna Yasmin doesn't even need a magic carpet. She has a grandma with a 12 gauge double barreled shotgun.

  4. Babs,
    flights of fancy never have smooth landings, sorry.

    Hannah Banana,
    that's just for starters. I'd need security, a yacht, a plane, a Maserati in every primary color...

    I said 'Jasmine', with a "J". Firing that shotgun must've messed up your hearing! Besides, I wouldn't need sound-alikes that begin with "Y". Who would buy a Rolax when they could afford an actual Rolex?

  5. There are no magic carpets? Damn.

  6. Um, killjoy much?

    There goes THAT fantasy.

    heh heh

    And I AM talking about the magic carpets not the Jasmines! heh heh

  7. No magic carpets!? Next thing you know, you'll be telling us there is no Santa, no Easter Bunny, no Tooth Fairy, no Go... um, never mind.

  8. People never get cold on magic carpets. Nor do they fall off them or get crapped on by birds. It's all part of the magic, like when Lois Lane flew New York with Superman.

  9. HA HA HA you sure would have NO chairs in that room.

    Didn't you know that if you cut up magic carpets, they bleed?!?!?

  10. A carpet made out of hot girls? What kind of vacuum cleaner would you use for that?