Apparently "best of wife spanks husband" LEADS TO ME

Not possible.  This isn't that kind of blog!

Yet there it was in my statistics; 3 referrals for the search "best of wife spanks husband"

So of course I googled it to see what post of mine came up.  After paging through 200 listings of everything from YouTube videos, to a Teenspank blog (yeah, I know!), to SexJitsu (Is it combat?  Is it love? Is it as scary as it sounds?), to YahooAnswers (what was the question?), to SpankingLife (it's a lifestyle?  Really?), to SpankingChannel (and it's got it's own network too?  WTF!) and a host of others I still did not find my own URL.  But I was mildly traumatized by sudden overexposure to the dizzying array of spanking resources out there.  Who knew?  And of course it begs the question "What the hell is wrong with people?!"

But it didn't answer the original question or solve the mystery.  I found myself putting more thought into spanking than I ever though I would/could/should.

Now I've done some wild things with this blog;

Invented new creatures like the SquirrelDog,

gave breast enlargement to the masses,

told the secret to wealth & happiness,

gave away free rapture kits,

mapped the world for big boobs and dongs,

dated & dumped Mother Nature,

laid out naughty & nice uses for the body,

solved the birth control debate,

gave out tips for life AND the afterlife,

sent God on a bender,

and even shared the throne a few times,

A pretty eclectic track record, but I still couldn't recall any post that matches BEST OF WIFE SPANKS HUSBAND enough to fit amongst the swollen rosey buns in those scary Google listings.  Yet, there were undeniably referrals leading back here.  Had to be something, but what?

And it hit me like a smack on the ass, what if it's a drawing?  Which of course it was.

Yeah, this was it.

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He sees all; disappoint Him not.

and the good Load said "Let there be pic!", and there was pic.

This is of course to remedy the recalcitrant pic of my brother's Robin Hood arrow shot, which refused to show itself to any but me -a fine trait for a wife, but an insufferable one for a jpeg.

It's a little embarrassing, I mean, for a wanna-be deity who claims to deserve ultimate power to fail at the mundane task of posting a simple picture...

It's enough to cause the faithful to have doubts.

So please (actual) God, let it work this time!  You're not teaching me a lesson here, are you Good Lord?  I've tried my best to avoid blasphemy -in my very first post I called myself 'the good Load'  See?  Funny and self depreciating, not presumptuous or disrespectful.  So, ah, can I get break here?  Can you let it work? If it doesn't, I may lose the few followers I have <sniff>

Oh, how they howled with protest!  I'm sure I heard a little old fashioned wailing and gnashing of teeth in the background too.  Don't I deserve a little 'learning curve' leeway now and then?

Really people, is it any worse a mistake than say, trying to make seals and coming up with the platypus first -is it?  Or first having coitus end with a sneeze, and watching His creatures become less and less fruitful, until He hit upon giving orgasms to His organisms.  (I'll bet calling it something as decidedly unsexy as 'coitus' didn't help either.)

Anyway, after properly saving it to my hard drive and then uploading (rather than the faster copy/paste) it should be there for all to see -LIKE LIGHT ITSELF.  If you can't see it, it's probably from lack of faith!

This is a real-life picture of an arrow stuck in the back of another arrow, -whether you can see it or not!  Damn it.



As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles.

AT LEAST CLICK THE +1 AT THE BOTTOM ! (for judgement day xtra cred)

He sees all; disappoint Him not.

My brother is Robin Hood

I’m not saying he steals from the rich and gives to the poor, or is a thorn in the side to the corrupt sheriff of Nottingham, or prancing and drinking about the forest with a band of other tights wearing merry men –but he might.  I mean, I’m not with the guy 24/7.  So it is possible.  He is merry.  And he does drink a lot of beer.  Hmmmm.  I shall have to look into that part further.

I should say he’s not actually my brother either, but my brother-in-law.  He is a very cool guy, however, he does score us the best cigarz, and I’ve never actually seen him in tights.  So I promoted him.

But I digress.  The point is he hit this shot:

Amongst archers (and tights wearing forest dwelling merry drunkards) that’s called a Robin Hood.  And he hit it so hard it drove the first arrow in another six inches.  Gotta be pretty tough on the arrow; shot through the air against it’s will at what, 200+ mph, slamming headfirst into a target, dizzy (and doubtless concussed) but after a few seconds of peace thinking it “at least it’s over” then suddenly rear-ended at the same speed so brutally it not only splits your ass like a banana peel, but the guy’s entire head is embedded with a few inches to spare.  Good thing it’s not actually sentient.  He’d be in arrow therapy forever.

In case you’re wondering; this is not a staged photo, nor is it photoshopped.  Any experienced archer will tell you that this can and does happen, but it’s rare.  It’s analogous to golf’s hole in one; rare but it happens.  I’ve done a Robin Hood shot in darts, but that’s kind of like saying you got a hole in one in miniature golf.  It will not be on the evening news.

But this was not the sissified version of anything.  This was archery and he nailed it.
Congratulations on an amazing shot my brother.

As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles.

AT LEAST CLICK THE +1 AT THE BOTTOM ! (for judgement day xtra cred)

He sees all; disappoint Him not.

Bigger Boobs the natural way

I see I’ve got your attention.  Although there is no proven natural way to up your cup under the <ahem> current administration, if I were god there would be.



Kourtney Kardashian would have only

needed the Miami sun to grow her bags
o' fun.



I’m not talking about some special lotion that you can rub in and hope for the best.  None have ever proven effective.  I am however an eternal optimist; and if you are too I’m willing to help you give it a try.  Submit a full length pic of yourself, and photo ID with year of birth clearly visible- 18 and over only, (except Mississippi 16 and over) and after seeing how pretty in need you are I might be able to help you.  If I rub one of these unproven lotions onto your nascent breasts long enough there's a good chance something will get larger.  ;op

Private arrangements notwithstanding, let's get back to the big IF;



Some time in her native Barbadian sun

would have given Rihanna the same

healthy lungs to go along with her

great pipes.



A man unsatisfied with the size of his chest can work his way to a more impressive and attractive size on his own.  All he has to do is a few weeks of bench presses for his body to respond and start to show an improvement the whole world can see.  It’s his to earn and enjoy –and looks totally natural because it is.  But if a man can change his physique without surgery and look great, why can’t a woman?  Not very fair, is it?

It seems only right that women be afforded the same option and opportunity.  If I were god I would give women the same fair shot at self improvement that men have.  Yes, you could size your own breasts; I would make it possible, but not through workouts.  That’s only good for muscles.  The breasts are not meant to be hard or strong.  They’re there for beauty’s sake.  Like flowers.  And like flowers you should be able to make your blossoms go into full bloom.  And while we’re at it, why not let it work the same way?  

Not much sun in England, but plenty
of rain.  Posh can afford to jet to Rio
anytime she wants anyway.



BE RIGHT
THERE MA'M!

I would have sunlight and watering be all a woman would need to coax her little unopened buds into bodacious blossoms.  That’s right; you’ve got to show ‘em to grow ‘em.  See, now I’m making the whole world beautiful!  Overnight gardening would become the both the worlds most popular hobby as well as spectator sport.

Not to mention the explosion of 'volunteer watering can boy' as a vocation.

Of course very little would get done during 'the sunning' hours, providing a much needed break in this hustle and bustle world.  Gay men would gain newfound respect and appreciation as the only ones available to maintain vital emergency services during 'the sunning' as everyone else would either be sunning, watering or watching.  All would benefit.

After I installed this clearly needed change I would look down from on high across a veritable sea of freshly watered boobies glistening in the sun like so many nippled diamonds and I would see that it is good.  Ah, yes. 

Let beauty reign.

And it would be so, if I were god.

As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles.

AT LEAST CLICK THE +1 AT THE BOTTOM ! (for judgement day xtra cred)

He sees all; disappoint Him not.

An Odd Dilemma

I had never expected to be caught in a Mexican standoff with a dead moth over a few slices of pizza, yet there I was on Sunday night in the grips of an odd dilemma.  I blame my wife.  She hates when I swat flies or moths in the house, so in deference to her I withheld my righteous smiting of it when it was fluttering in front of the flat screen earlier and I had a clear shot.  Had I known it was no casual flyby but a casing of the joint I surely would have acted.

An hour after that I was ziplocking not one, not two, but three slices of my favorite pizza under the little overhead oven light when he made his move –a power dive for the closing bag.  Though I wasn’t expecting it and I’m sure lesser men would have quailed, I beat him to the punch with my finely honed catlike reflexes and got that bag zipped just as he came crashing into the seal.  Though the pizza was safe (thanks to my speed and courage under fire) the moth was right there, wiggling frantically just outside the seal.  Was he trying to burrow in?  I felt I had no choice; innocent slices were at risk and the crazed assailant was still attacking.  Invoking my right of domestic defense, I squished him.

[Before anybody protests, yes I know I very recently wrote "all god's creatures great and small... " but this moth was clearly a menace headed for a bad end.  I'm sure the mothian authorities would approve his removal from their gene pool ...if indeed there were... um... mothian authorities to ask.  Anyway...]

Moths, apparently, are made of dust and soot.  That’s what came out and spread across the outside seal of the ziplock.  So the immediate threat was gone, but the pizza was still trapped inside.  It being a standoff, I stared him down.  Stubbornly, the dead moth would not budge.  Diabolical.

Why had he done this?  Could a moth really share my love of ham and onion pizza from Stefano's?  Unlikely.  Was it a foreign moth, coming here to attack our way of life starting with our comfort foods?  No way to know, and I had a bigger problem to solve anyway.

Clearly action was needed but if I opened the bag to retrieve the trapped slices there was a high risk of mothdust contamination.  If I flushed the outer seal with water and even a drop got in the bag somehow, I would still lose the 3 souls trapped inside.  -As a firefighter one must think of rescues in this way.  And now that my mind was in this mode I ran through all the training, tools and techniques I had learned at the academy.



jaws of life



hydraulic ram





the Irons; ax and
halligan bar



   

It's not that I wasn't willing to go to the firehouse for any of that equipment, it's just that they didn't fit the job.  The risk of crushing the bag's occupants was too great.  The full gamut of rescue equipment was in this instance, nothing more than an expensive pile of false hope.  What now?  If the equipment couldn't help, would rescue theory?  I thought back, what had they said about being trapped in a room where the doors and windows could not be used, but you had to GET OUT? -Make an exit!  That's what my training said.  In a structure fire that meant using the irons to punch through an interior wall.  But in this case... my daughter's safety scissors used to cut a hole in the back of the bag and free the trapped occupants.   Success!

                                  Sometimes it's the simplest of tools that saves the day.

Moth: 0

Me:    1

As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles.

AT LEAST CLICK THE +1 AT THE BOTTOM ! (for judgement day xtra cred)

He sees all; disappoint Him not.